I remember when I was a young girl knowing that I would grow up, get married and have babies. I never had a number picked out, but I just knew I was going to be a mother one day. Fast forward to many years later. I meet my prince charming and we get married. We never tried not to get pregnant from that day on. Sure it would happen. It’s only natural right. Easy, yes? Um No. So when I first talked to my doctor about trying to get pregnant they told me to start taking some vitamins and that practice makes perfect. Simple, yes? Um No. After a year of trying and one failed miscarriage, I began to believe that people were idiots. I was raised that it is better to be thought an idiot, than to speak and prove yourself one. Apparently not a lot of others around me were taught this. So let me let you in on why I started saying, “You’re an Idiot”.
At first, when nothing was happening month after month, I became very disheartened. I felt let down by nature. I mean come on, it is so easy, and everyone around you is able to do it. Why not me? So instead of telling people I became ashamed of it. I bore my pain alone. I didn’t understand infertility. No one I knew had ever experienced it or ever talked about having problems with having babies. When the inevitable phrase, “So when are you guys gonna have kids” was asked, it was more like a knife being stabbed into my womb. Oh how my body ached for one. I hated and envied my friends who were having their first baby showers. A few upsetting times I couldn’t even attend them. The pain was too much and too raw. I avoided all talk of kids and babies. So one month I won the lotto or at least that is what it felt like. I was pregnant. Yeah. We were over the moon. We were getting ready to go on vacation with my in-laws and were going to tell them there. I had made my first doctor’s appointment for when we got back. We left on a Saturday and by Tuesday night I started bleeding. I was miscarrying. So instead of telling them good news it was telling them bad news. So in all efforts to make me feel better I was told, “It’s ok, at least you know you can get pregnant”. Yeah so, You’re an Idiot! Under no circumstance does this ever make someone feel better. So yeah, You’re an Idiot. I felt like screaming at them. Instead I just choked back my tears and nodded in agreement.
I would have many more of these “You’re an Idiot” moments to come. Eventually, I was referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. He is the best on the east coast and rightly so. By this time a few of our friends and family knew we were having problems and that I was taking measures to the next level. So we started the testing and what not. Trying this and that and taking this pill and that one. It ended up being that dreaded PCOS. If you are reading this blog then you probably know what this is and I will spare you the details. 5-10% of women have PCOS, so you would think that I would know someone with it too right? Wrong. It wasn’t until I came to the wonderful island of Grenada that I met girls like me. It was wonderful for the first time in my struggle to meet so many just like me. It was almost comical having talks at the pool about our side effects from this drug or that drug. For the first time I saw the other faces of infertility and they shared their stories with me. Instead of having a “You’re an Idiot” moment we shared our struggles and their own moments like mine. It felt nice, even if we didn’t relish on our infertility, that we knew what each one of us was going through. We were fighting a battle and we were determined to win.
Still I had those people back home to give me those moments. I heard it all the time. “You’re on a tropical island with no stress, surely you’ll get pregnant now.” Well yeah, You’re an Idiot”. Or still we people would ask us “When are you gonna have a kid?” Like, really people, “You’re an Idiot”. Eventually I met a great woman whom after another moment I broke down to and told her my struggle. She suggested a wonderful book by Jennifer Saake called Hannah’s Hope. Click here more information http://www.hannahshopebook.com/index.html I can’t say enough about this book and what it means to me. It is about a women’s struggle with infertility, miscarriage and failed adoption and how she got through with it with God’s help. I have been making light of my experiences but it was hard and lonely for a long time and this book gave me hope when I lost all of mine. So read it when infertility gets you down to give you a little extra boost to get you back to that hope.
Eventually I did get my miracle baby. I was blessed in February 2009 with a beautiful baby girl and the light of my life. My infertility story doesn’t end there and I have had many more “You’re an Idiot” moments since her birth. Now as we struggle for baby number two, and have miscarried again, we hear “Well you had one so the next one will come easier”. Well yeah, “You’re an Idiot”.
Some lessons I have learned have been….
1) Never give up. Where there is a will there is a way.
2) Whatever you have to fight for, when you get it, it is sweeter and you cherish it more.
3) God has a plan for each of us. It may not be what we want or when we want but He has a plan. Just trust in Him.
4) People are trying to be nice and most of them just do not understand about infertility. Forgive them of their “moments”.
5) And lastly, remember to laugh.
Also, I am a lover of quotes. Here are a few that get me through:
“It’s going to be okay in the end. If it’s not okay. It’s not the end.”
“If you can’t find hope. Look in a new direction.”
”Hope is a renewable option: If you run out of it at the end of the day, you get to start over in the morning.”
Here is my miracle baby, Sophia
