My husband and I had been trying to conceive for almost 3 years and had just gotten a negative on our most recent attempt at artificial insemination. We were emotionally exhausted and hungry to have a family. That is when we first considered adoption. However, I was reluctant, and the idea of adoption alone made me feel like a failure and that my future hopes for carrying a child on my own would have to be put aside at best, or forgotten. I remember driving home from a doctor's appointment with my husband and becoming frustrated in trying to communicate my feelings. We were both feeling the fatigue of negative results, the exhaustion from a hundred blood tests, the weight of expectations dashed, and our attempt to communicate was halted and unproductive. But I wasn't ready. Not then.
Six months later, however, I had gained 6 months of perspective, and I was ready. We chose to go with LDS Family Services because of cost, sent in the paper work, and we were off. A large part of the process is putting yourself out there, talking to anyone and everyone about adoption, and I couldn't have been a better poster child. I announced it in church, I told co-workers, family, friends, I blogged about our decision, and inserted the word "adoption" into any and every conversation. And if anyone was annoyed, I didn't care to notice. I was on a mission to find my child. My apprehension had done a 180 and turned into pure determination.
The way wasn't straight forward, however, and what we had thought was a way out of our weighted existence of always waiting was just waiting and worrying about something else. There were friends who would relate to us a friend or family member who was going to place an adoption, only to later speak to us on the topic in clipped sentences. There were situations we would hear about that would raise our hopes, only to have them dashed again and again. And amidst all of this, we had the heartbreaking experience of our first pregnancy and subsequent first miscarriage which you can read more about here.
But every cloud has a silver lining, its always darkest before the dawn, and every other idiom you can think of because it is true! This same month we were told by an old friend that her sister was considering adoption and that she felt impressed to tell her about us. Just weeks later we met M (the prospective birth mother) at Pei Wei of all places, and had a light lunch of nerves and small talk. A week later she called us to tell us that she had chosen us to adopt her child. And within days we were talking about the coming birth like old friends. I attended her ultra sounds, she had dinner with my family, and everything had fallen into place. She was an amazing birth mother, very sweetly wanting me to be a big part of her pregnancy and the birth. We had a very special bond that only affirmed to her and I both that this was the right decision and meant to be.
J was born on Jan. 2 at 7 AM, after almost 12 hours in the hospital. I stood at M's head as he was born and cried when I saw him slip onto her chest. I bawled as they placed him to be washed and measured. And I smiled through my tears of joy as M let me hold him for the first time. Finally, after staying by M's side until her family could come, I went home. My arms still empty, the house quiet as Dustin was at work, I sobbed out all of the years of frustration and struggle that had culminated in the first of one of the most beautiful days of my life, the second being that day I was sealed to him for eternity. The rest of our story is not unlike so many others. We now have a 2 1/2 year old that drives us crazy, but whom we can't stay mad at for long. We have, and he has, a birth mother that will always be a part of our story. Her love and sacrifice taught me the true meaning of love and I hope to never take her part in our miracle for granted.
