Putting Up A Wall

Do you put up a wall when you are told, "It will happen for you soon hun"? Do your eyes start to glaze over when story after story is told of a friend of a friend who adopted 5 children and then had 5 children of their own? Do you feel like sticking your fingers in your ears and screaming, "LA LA LA LA" every time someone tells you to, "just have faith,"? I know I have, I do, and I will continue to wince at every cliche and overused expression in the how-to-comfort-a-friend-who-can't-have-a-baby-but-I-can book. Bitter much? Yes. It comes and goes in waves. And yet, sadly, I too am guilty for using these same beaten-to-death expressions.

Recently I have had friends ask me how I have dealt with a recent miscarriage, and after giving them my knee-jerk answers, I thought I had better examine them to see why I thought my words of wisdom would matter, should matter, to anyone who I would grace with my sage advice...please note the dripping sarcasm.

First, pray. My mom has been telling to me to pray since I could remember. Over every lost key, test, broken heart, and now over every negative test, miscarriage and unfulfilled desire. It is the best of advice, but when it is given as an answer in a quest for help sometimes I just want to say, "Yeah yeah yeah. OK, now tell me what will really help." But now I find myself repeating the words of my mother. If you are feeling sad, pray. If you are struggling with a problem, pray. And if you don't get to be in charge of the when and how of starting a family, pray. Prayer has brought me strength to endure, the peace to continue, the knowledge that my trials are not only my own. However, it is not only this communion with God that is an important part of prayer, but the humility that comes from asking for help. And this leads me to my second piece of advice.

Be grateful. This is probably one of the most hated of phrases for me, having been thrown at me with each low point, an advice givers solution for every problem. And it is so much more difficult to do than the ease with which it is dispensed. But while not a quick fix, being grateful is a solution. It is salve to the wounded heart. Being grateful sets priorities in order and allows healing to occur. So the next time some one who means well tosses out this loved little gem, take it, grab hold, humble yourself enough to know they are right, and take a look around. We may not have our heart's desire now, but we are surrounded by one blessing and silver lining after another. It may take some looking, but noticing what we have on hand can make the wait for our dreams that much more bearable, and most likely, into a fulfilling journey.

Third, share. Share so that others will open their mouths as well. Share so that so many will know they are not alone. Share so that all know they have a place at this conversation, no matter how many years, miscarriages, children or reasons why their family can not be built as they see fit. I have read that infertility is often as difficult to take in as it is to find you have cancer. While I cannot compare one thing to the other, I know that my emotions are valid and that infertility need not be hidden like a shameful secret. After telling my own story I have heard so many of others that have given me hope, ideas, advice and the joy of knowing that I am part of a community. So, share.

I hope that in the future we can all take the fingers out of our ears, choke down some of that bitterness, and say thank you when our sweet friends and family seek to give us love and comfort through a few well-intentioned phrases.